Please Stay Indoors

I know you’re hearing a constant drumbeat about “nature deficit.” Mostly that’s by companies who want to sell you stuff to use outside. But I am encouraging you to be green and not buy more stuff that you’re going to use outdoors. I am asking you to please stay indoors. 

I’m bringing this up because I went mountain biking today. And I was stunned to see so many bikers out using my trail. They even had a clinic for women mountain bikers. (Come on, mountain biking is too dangerous for women. It’s hard and you’re going to get hurt. Stay home. Bake some brownies or something.) And a clinic? Here’s my clinic:

• Get a bike
• Sit on it
• Push the pedals to go
• Move the handle bars to turn
• Pull the brakes to stop
• Get off the bike and walk if you can’t do the above or if your skirt flies up and you can’t see where you’re going. (Actually my skirt flew up today a few more times than I would have liked. And I can’t see over  my skirt when the trail goes 3 feet into the air on a 4 inch wide boardwalk. So that’s why I walked around it. Had nothing to do with fear.)

They did have some awfully nice snacks-  plus Sangria - for the women’s clinic at the park. I tried to fool the organizers by wearing that skirt I had. But, they didn’t fall for it. Must’ve been because the color of my water bottle didn’t match my shoes. (And water bottles, don’t even get me started! It’s an hour – maybe -  on the trail. You can go an hour without a drink of water, can’t you? And then I won’t have to pick up your water bottle that bounced off your bike when, for about 5 feet, you went faster than a turtle. And you don’t really need an energy drink for an hour’s worth of exercise, do you? And if you have to eat a sugary, caffeinated treat, can you pull off to the side? Come on, folks, suck it up.)

It’s just better to stay home, people and stay indoors. Maybe go out and rake your lawn. Or, walk up the street and buy a latte.

If you do feel the need to get exercise and you think you might have some sort of nature deficit, try this:

It’s a Wii game and when you watch it on your 1,000 inch HDTV, it’ll be better than actually being outside. You won’t get skin cancer, wind burn, bug bites, yellow fever, malaria, etc. And you won’t clog the trail for me.